Neither here nor there

 Wasn’t planning to say anything. 

Really anticipating being so busy building and living and breathing ...

Unbeknownst to me, I was lucky in my own mental needs to have a high energy, intense adrenaline, beat- down job that consumed my pain, consumed my anger and rage and left me tired and exhausted so I could go sleep. I slept good. For 18 months I took a daily beatdown. I needed it. It got my blood circulating. Made me feel alive after being dead for 2 years. I felt strong, but I knew it was God carrying me and the strength He had to keep pushing me and I screamed at Him and He kept coming back and I cried relentless and He kept coming back and I refused to get out of bed and He would create daily urgencies to push me. It was loud. Everyday loud for 10 hours. 

I had to have fast, hard and loud to deal with the sunken place

Eventually I became aware of this supernatural current of energy. 

Good God Almighty ! 

But nothing Gold can stay

And now here we are. There’s something weird without the adrenaline and pushing muscles to go beyond myself and the runner’s high. It’s withdrawal and depression relapse times two. Like addiction it doesn’t go away. 

Not to minimalize feelings as we all feel in our own way, but everyone and their baby has ptsd today. Who wouldn’t -after the highly emotional pandemic stresses of watching our loved ones die … isolated … in their own depression and withdrawal from life. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Highly Emotional Situations. 

But PTSD came from soldier life. From having guns pointed in your face and explosions surrounding you and hands & fists … and watching buildings being destroyed and … and … and … watching Your Partner … fall stunned … body shaking … then lifeless. There’s something about their blood spilling out … staining the Earth … screaming cells leaving one spirit … for Earth Spirit …  and the last look in their eyes.

This isn’t post traumatic stress disorder

It’s Post Traumatic War Stress

PTWS

It doesn’t have a ‘ring’ to the letters

PTWS

It’s not a disorder

It’s a symptom of the war machine

It’s the most intense internal fight for your life

22 a day is twenty-too many

Its time to come Home …

 Jenny Sue, Owner